


Soldier

by life_not_knife



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-30 00:31:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6400288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/life_not_knife/pseuds/life_not_knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I was born to be a soldier'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soldier

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thewriterpoe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterpoe/gifts).



> This took an entire day to write but it has been burning a hole in my metaphorical pocket since the album dropped and I just found the time to dedicate to writing it. As the title suggests, this was inspired by Taemin's song 'Soldier' which you MUST listen to if you haven't already because it is beyond amazing. This is a gift for my dearest Adhi. I hope you like it!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Storm clouds reign high in the sky and the winter frost freezes them to the bone. Khaki and brown all mingle as one. Dirt sloshes beneath their heavy green boots as they fight for grip in the never ending slide of the field. Their toes (what’s left of them) freeze over and not even the intense cold can numb them from the unbearable pain of running unsteadily on blistered feet. Loud explosions resonate and tremble through the earth, wild eyes flicking back and forth between their goal ahead and the terror around them. Nearer and nearer they come to the enemy bunker, the end is in sight. A shot, carefully aimed and fatal, leaves the wiry man’s fingers as he finds himself faced with the barrel of an enemy gun. Another fatality, just another statistic in the newspapers back home. Did the now dead man before his eyes have a family back home? Was he a father, a husband…someone’s beloved son? It pays not to think on it, striding forward with heavy, mud filled boots. His eyes re-focus on his fellow soldier in front of him as they approach enemy lines.  
  
Searing white then a midnight black.  
  
In fire and rubble, they all fall down.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
“A land mine” he hears from the severely muted mouths of those around him. He still only sees black, but his hearing – though barely there – tells him where he is. “Morphine… gauze… keep the pressure on….we’re losing him…” Is the last thing he hears before the darkness becomes encompassing.  
  
He can feel the stiffness of his chest from where it no longer beats and he finds himself rising – floating. A very strange feeling like he has never experienced before.  
His feet plant back on the ground and the darkness fades to show the pictures of life that he is familiar with, only everything is in black and white. He looks at the bed beside him only to see an all too familiar image – himself. He looks at peace for once, no tired lines and frightful eyes staring back at him. He doesn’t look for much longer because he feels two hands on his shoulders which make him shriek, though nobody around him even so much as flinches. He spins around in confusion only to come face to face with another man. A soldier. His friend who’s back he was looking at only moments before his actual death.  
  
“T-Taemin…I’m scared!” The man shouts franticly, shaking Taemin’s shoulders and pressing hard enough to bruise.  
  
“W-what?” He is dumbfounded. What is going on?  
  
“The devil kissed me… he’s coming for me. Please Taemin, don’t let him take me. Oh god…” The soldier begs and clings on tighter to Taemin’s scorch marked uniform before slowly the apparition begins to fade away as if he was never there in the first place.  
  
Taemin’s eyes begin to well with tears at the realisation of what is going on. He sees the nurse covering his body with a blanket and attaching his military details from his uniform to a slip of paper.   
  
“No no no, this can’t be happening.” He watches as his hand slowly begins to fade into nothingness. “No, I can’t go. I don’t want to go. I’m scared… please!” He shouts to nobody. The only people around are the ever milling nurses. He notices one more apparition rising from a body at the opposite end of the tent and he begins to panic more.  
  
“Please, no. I need to see him. Jongin, I need to know he is okay…” He scrunches his eyes shut and wills himself to stay. He thinks of the tanned male he left behind in London, allowing every inch and curve of his face to fill his vision as if the man may appear right before his eyes. Suddenly everything is quiet and Taemin fears the worse. Opening his eyes a little at a time.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
He doesn’t know what he is expecting; fire, red, or nothingness. All he knows is that he isn’t expecting to see the familiar bed in the corner of the room. He isn’t expecting to be able to smell the undeniable scent of soap and cabbage soup. He can even feel the warmth emitting from the fire to his left.  
  
The smell of soap grows ever stronger before Taemin can really process why. Jongin is standing there, poking at the fire to keep it alight for a little bit longer since firewood is a luxury these days. Taemin imagines that he is wearing his smart, black, work pants with his trademark orange sleeping shirt. Of course, he can’t tell because everything is still in black and white.   
  
He has always loved the way the orange shirt hugs Jongin’s body and contrasts with his tanned skin. He remembers the day that Jongin’s sister bought it for him, her face smiling with glee as she watched her younger brother open it with a confused expression. His sister had brought it back from her travels in India – since Jongin’s family were quite well-off, before the war began at least. He knows that Jongin treasured the shirt and wore it every evening, especially since the passing of his sister.   
Measles. It hit Jongin harder than anyone else since he was a doctor. He blamed himself for months for not being able to see the symptoms or cure her. It was heart breaking to watch as Jongin threw himself into his work and would come home exhausted, spending many nights with Taemin just holding him and telling him it was okay.  
They lost their way for a while. With Jongin blaming himself and Taemin busy working at the local bar. Not to mention the secrecy of their relationship. Roommates to the rest of the word. Jongin’s sister was the only one to know and now she was gone. They were truly alone in the world for a long time. It took them about eight months to finally talk and reconnect and since then, they had been inseparable. Until the war came and broke them apart again.  
  
“Jongin” Taemin whispers as he watches the young man raise himself from the fire and walk to the stove. He was hoping for something, even an otherworldly shiver or paranoid glance. Nothing. This time he moves towards the man, standing behind him and reaching out for his shoulder. He longs to feel the sturdy muscle beneath his fingertips again. Nimble fingers land on the shoulder before they continue to fall back to his side.   
  
He might be able to feel but he sure can’t touch. It is an agonising feeling, being able to see the man he loves. Being able to feel all of the emotions that come with reuniting again – and yet his lover cannot see him. They cannot touch or communicate and it is a painful emotional torture that even outweighs the agony of war. He thinks for a moment that maybe leaving would be less painful but the thoughts of letting go and moving on to a fiery hell has him grasping once more to the only anchor left in the human world.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
The night draws in fast and Taemin is watching as Jongin sleeps on their bed. The man seems not to know about Taemin’s death yet and rightly so, it usually took a long time for notice to reach a family. Funny isn’t it? How letters home about the deceased take an age and yet the drafting letters arrive within an instant.  
  
 _“Come on Jongin stop teasing!” Taemin laughs as Jongin’s rough fingers trace along his abdomen._  
  
 _“I’m not teasing, I’m admiring” Jongin shoots back, nothing but pure love lining his face._  
  
 _“Well your admiration is teasing, so get on with it” Taemin chuckles, the fingertips on his stomach moving with the raucous laughter that slowly bubbles to a crescendo._  
  
 _“Alright alright.” Jongin concedes and lowers his lips to the ivory skin._  
 _“You know, next time we visit India, you should really leave your shirt off. You’re so pale.” Jongin muses as his tongue slips into the hollow of his lover’s navel._  
  
 _“Hmm…you don’t like that I’m pale? You want me to change for you? That’s not very loving now is it?” Taemin teases as he wriggles with the way his lover’s tongue is now on the waistband of his underwear._  
  
 _“Oh no, I love your skin no matter tanned or pale. It’s still supple and soft enough to bite” Jongin bites into Taemin’s thigh with a tiny nip. “It just looks like I never take you anywhere.” Jongin laves at the bite mark to soothe it._  
  
 _“Whatever, we can’t all be naturally tanned like you. I will burn in the Indian sun, now use your mouth for something worthwhile.” Taemin whines._  
  
 _“As you wish!” Jongin smirks lightly before taking his lovers erect member into his mouth._  
  
 _“Hmpfh!” Taemin groans as he lets a puff of air leave his mouth, blowing his brown hair from his face. He comes with a soft cry only minutes later._  
  
 _Jongin crawls up the bed on his elbows until his thick lips are hovering over Taemin’s flushed face._  
  
 _“Happy Birthday Tae” He whispers in a sweet voice before their lips meet in a soft but heated kiss._  
  
 _-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-_  
  
 _Taemin wakes the next day around noon. Standing up, he moves across the spacious apartment to the front door where letters were laying on the doormat._  
  
 _He shakes Jongin awake, receiving a cute and sleepy smile from his lover. The look on Taemin’s face however says it all._  
  
 _“It…it came already.” Taemin’s eyes shine with tears and his fingers are shaking around the unmistakable envelope which held The Queen’s coat of arms on the back seal._  
  
 _“Shh…come here, it will be okay.” Jongin muses as he pulls the boy onto the mattress. His thumbs pushing away the tears but his own eyes already betraying him. “It will be okay, it will be fine.” Jongin repeats over and over until the sun sets once again and they fall asleep in an exhausted embrace._  
  
Taemin had thought at the time that it was easy for Jongin to say everything would be okay. After all, Jongin wouldn’t be drafted because doctors were needed; bar men were not. Now though, as he watches his lover sleeping, he realises that letting go is sometimes harder than been sent away.  
  
He cries that night, as loud and broken as he wants because nobody can hear him.   
  
He cries harder because there is nobody there to wipe away his tears.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Time passes in a strange way when one doesn’t have much to do. Taemin sits against the headboard next to a sleeping Jongin, it’s past morning already but his lover was up late working on his medical journal. Jongin is extremely smart and has decided that keeping a medical journal of illnesses and treatments would be useful for others in the future. He hopes to one day get it published, but that is a long off dream.  
  
A knock on the door awakes the sleeping boy beside him and pulls Taemin from his thoughts. It’s been around a month since he died and he has a sickening feeling in his stomach as Jongin moves to answer the door unknowingly.  
  
It’s like everything from that point forward happens in slow motion. He imagines as the orange of Jongin’s shirt becomes stained with dark patches where the tears fall. He sees every slight and flitting emotion as it passes across his lover’s face. Eyebrows scrunching at first in confusion of seeing the delivery boy in his doorway. Eyes widening in mortification and realisation. Shaking hands taking the telegram from the delivery boy. Tears falling and knees buckling from the energy that was sapped in a single word:  
  
‘Deceased’  
  
The delivery boy has the heart to close the door, seeing the broken man inside was unable to do so. Taemin notices the apologetic look on the boy’s face. No doubt he was almost immune to such scenes by now, delivering sometimes three of these telegrams a day.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
The days that follow the news are like watching a Shakespearian tragedy. Jongin’s emotions range from sadness, to anger, to depression. Each day after the depression sets in are more and more difficult to watch.   
  
Taemin is in agony now, he needs to communicate and to reach out to Jongin but he just doesn’t know how. He is becoming increasingly frustrated and concerned, especially once he witnesses Jongin looking through his doctor’s bag. The young man eyes the bottle of grey pills, tips them into his hand and contemplates his options.  
  
“I want to see you again, Tae. I want to be with you.” He speaks and this is the first time he has heard that caramel smooth voice in a long time. Taemin would relate it to cracked caramel right now, the voice being deeper and rumbling with the stress of crying and sleepless nights. Jongin hasn’t slept in days and as he reaches for a glass of water, it smashes to the ground with an angry clatter. It shatters into millions of pieces and Jongin can see his reflection shining in them. The semiology it reflects – his entire life. Shattered into millions of pieces with the news of his lover’s death. Is he in any fit mental state to be making hasty decisions about his life, when he can’t even hold a glass of water properly? He questions himself before dropping the pills back into the bottle and reaching in his medicine bag for a different type of pill. He takes two with water and then lays down upon the soft mattress, the one that used to smell of Taemin. The one they used to make love on and cuddle and tickle. The very same mattress that Taemin always hated because he said it was too lumpy and gave him back ache. Jongin was going to save up for a new one and surprise him with it once the war was over and Taemin was back home. Oh, how naive he was to think Taemin’s fate would be any different to the thousands of men he already knew about. Naive, stupid or just hopeful?  
  
He doesn’t manage to answer his own question as the world begins to fade away and his sleeping pills take over his body.  
  
Taemin watches as his lover finally finds some peace and rest. He moves towards the bed from his place by the fire, his fingers reach out to move the hair from the man’s serene face even though he knows it is useless (but he still likes the idea of the intimacy even if he can’t really touch). To his surprise however, he observes his hand pass into the other’s forehead and feels a fierce, almost-magnetic pull surging through his entire being.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
To his amazement he finds himself in a field of poppies. Jongin is there, he has his back to Taemin and his head looking up into the clouds.  
  
“Tae, can you hear me up there? Are you doing okay? I really want to see you, to join you.” Jongin speaks to the sky, his voice sounding back to its deep caramel smoothness that Taemin can never get enough of.  
  
“Jongin, I’m not up there.” Taemin speaks back, mostly to himself (he has gotten used to talking to himself these last few months).  
Jongin whips around then, his neck almost cracking from the speed.  
  
“T-taemin? You’re here!” Jongin exclaims, his eyes wide with amazement and mouth open like a fish.  
  
“You’ll catch flies with your mouth open like that.” Is how Taemin’s brain chooses to respond followed by what he really wanted to say “…you can hear me?”   
Jongin promptly closes his mouth and nods a ‘yes’ before his face splits into a wide grin and he is running towards his lover, arms coming to wrap tightly around his frame.  
  
“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe it. You’re actually here!” Jongin is crying with relief now and Taemin doesn’t want to burst the bubble, not quite yet. His hands move to explore every inch of Jongin’s golden skin – wait. He can see in colour again. He takes the opportunity to look into Jongin’s eyes and admire their hazel softness with flecks of copper that reflect the burning sun shining above.  
  
The two lovers stand amongst the tall grass littered with blood red poppies, eyes locked and lips smiling. Gradually they move closer, a magnetism of a different kind this time. Their lips meet in a soft, breath taking kiss as each of them savour the other’s unique flavour. Jongin tastes like maple syrup and peppermint. Taemin tastes like fiery cinnamon and oranges. All in all, they each taste like home.  
  
“Where are we?” Jongin asks as their kiss breaks and they pull apart just slightly.  
  
“I’m not sure, but…I think we are in your dream.” Taemin says softly, he almost doesn’t want to tell the truth but he knows it will probably lessen the blow when he wakes up.  
  
“W-what? So all of this…isn’t real?” Jongin asks solemnly because he already knows the answer.  
  
“I’ve been trying to contact you for months now. I watched you go to work, come home, cook, eat, sleep and repeat. I was there when the telegram arrived. I was there when you were hurting. I was there when you…” Taemin’s voice wobbles at the end and his eyes look down at the grass, his orbs sparkling with tears.  
  
“When I wanted to die?” Jongin asks lightly and Taemin nods his head, the first tear falling and lading on the tall green grass like dew on a misty morning. Jongin wipes them away with the thick pads of his thumb, a gentle smile in his pillowy lips. “I just want to be with you Tae. We can be together.” Jongin murmurs as he once again captures his lover’s lips.  
  
Taemin is the first to break it.   
  
“No. You can’t Jongin. You have to live on and make something of yourself. You need to keep helping others.” Taemin insists.  
  
“I don’t care about any of that. It might be selfish but all I want is to be in peace and be with you. Tae… what is it like?” Jongin speaks the last part quietly, their bodies still pressed together tightly, breaths mingling in the hot air of the summer’s day.  
  
“What is what like?” Taemin asks in confusion.  
  
“Dying…the afterlife…heaven.” Jongin confirms.  
  
“I, I don’t know. Dying was painless, like floating and then becoming grounded once more. I haven’t seen beyond where I am now. I’m afraid to let go. I don’t want…” Taemin chokes on his words just at the mere thought.  
  
“You don’t want what?” Jongin probes.  
  
“To…to go to… hell.” Taemin winces at the sound of the word.  
  
“What makes you think you’re going there huh?” Jongin asks with a chiding tone, ruffling Taemin’s hair in the most affectionate and innocent of ways. Taemin misses those small gestures.  
  
“I’ve killed people Jongin. I’ve done terrible terrible things in the war. I’ve seen terrible things happening to others and not intervened. I’ve shot a young boy who was trying to blow up the bunker…he can’t have been much older than sixteen years old. Those are my sins and I will have to pay for them. I’m so scared of what lays ahead Jongin…I’m terrified.” Silent tears are streaming down his face now. His nose is running and body shaking in fear.  
  
Warm, strong arms pull him into an embrace. Cradling him against Jongin’s sturdy chest, tucking his head under the angular chin as his slightly curved spine continues to shake with the tears wracking his body.  
  
After a while he pulls back, face tight from the saline water.  
  
“Listen to me now. There is nobody on this earth who has a purer, more loving soul than you do. The lord will forgive the sins of war if you are a good person who feels remorse, loss and sorrow for your sins. Nobody with a heart as big and open as yours could _ever_ spend their afterlife in the depths of the devil’s chasm. You are the light of my life Lee Taemin and nothing about you shouts anything but kindness and purity. You’re going to go to heaven and you’re going to see your mother and sister again. Do you hear me?” Jongin lectures in a firm but loving tone. The same tone he used when he said his goodbyes in front of the train on the faithful day his lover was deployed. Taemin only nods his head in a meek reply, his eyes looking once more into the flecked copper iris’.  
  
“Now you need to listen to me for a change. I will wait for you up in heaven Jongin. I will watch over you and love you until the end of time, but I need you to go back, wake up and carry on. It will be hard, difficult and painful but just remember that you are doing it for me. You are living for me. Go back and live the life I won’t get to experience. Travel, help people and be happy. Think of me only in times when you need courage and hope, when you remember me, don’t remember me in this outfit – in this moment. Think of me in times when we were happy and laughing. When I kept losing my keys or tripping up on thin air. When we made love, when we kissed. Those nights we spent just talking until the sun came up and regretting it at work the next day, then still doing it all over again. Remember the day you confessed to me in the local park. Remember the day I was in your hospital because my mother had died and how you pulled me through and made me smile even when the days ahead looked bleak and without hope. It’s my time to return that favour Jongin. It’s your turn to keep fighting and living.” Taemin ended his speech, one hand holding tightly to his lover’s and the thumb of his other hand wiping away the torrent of tears that continued to pour like a never ending waterfall down Jongin’s tanned cheeks. None the less, the other male was nodding. He was going to live, he was going to keep on living for Taemin.  
  
“Okay…okay. You need to let go now Taemin. You need to find peace too.” Jongin explains.  
  
“I know but before I go, just one final kiss.” Taemin smiles as he leans forward and their tongues meet in a passionate kiss. Taemin allows Jongin to explore every inch of his mouth just one last time and they kiss until they are breathless.  
  
Pulling back Taemin plucks a poppy from the field and presses it to Jongin’s palm, dusting a light kiss against his right cheek as he does so.  
  
“You know, you’re a much better kisser in your dreams.” Taemin says with a playful chuckle as he withdraws for the final time.  
  
“You just wait until I get up there Lee Taemin, you will pay for that. Oh, and tell my sister I love her.” Jongin gives one final sad smile as he notices a figure appear a few metres away. Taemin turns to face the figure too, who holds an outstretched hand towards him. He walks forwards a step and turns one final time to see Jongin – he has already gone. He makes his way closer and closer to the figure, she looks familiar somehow. Finally he recognises her, his mother with her same sweet smile that she always wore. He takes her soft hand and is blinded momentarily by a flash of white light.  
  
‘I was born to be a soldier’ Taemin thinks. He wasn’t born to serve his country but he was born to serve and protect those he loves. He was a soldier of love and protection, to look over Jongin and make sure he was happy and alive. With that thought in mind, he raises his hand in one final military salute before the white clears, shapes appearing in the distance as he finally reaches the afterlife.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  


**_Kim Jongin – renowned doctor and author. Died at the age of 87, peacefully in his sleep. He was a much loved son and brother. He discovered the cure for measles at the age of 45 and travelled the world curing the sick who did not have access to the drug. At the age of 63 he rallied a petition with the government to give the measles inoculation to all new born babies. His plight was successful. His final medical journal was published at the age of 79 and spoke about a friend, Mr Lee to whom he owes his life’s work._ **

  
Jongin moves his eyes away from the obituaries in the newspaper that lays beside his academic successor. He had a left a note in the top drawer for such an occasion as today and told the woman: Dr Choi, to open it upon his passing. He watches as she reads through his entire memoirs, her face changing through laughter, happiness and sorrow. It spoke of Taemin and his sister, his travels and life experiences. Not a single moment was left out.  
  
“I hope she isn’t laughing at me.” A figure speaks from behind Jongin and the man recognises the voice straight away as he turns around with a wicked grin on his face.  
  
“Don’t worry, you were never the funny one between us.” Jongin laughs.  
  
“So, do you want some help leaving this stuffy old office or not? I can just go if you’d like?” Taemin retorts, smirk still plastered upon his lips.  
  
“Yeah, I might need a hand – angel.” Jongin answers mischievously. “That’s one super bright military suit you have on there. Looking good soldier.” Jongin says in a flirty manner.  
  
“Just shut up and follow me. Mind your eyes, it’s pretty bright for a minute or so.” Taemin warns before the white does indeed flash across their forms. Taemin’s hand stays clasped with his own, firm and reassuring.   
  
“Wait a minute, does this mean that I will be stuck in super white grandpa clothes for the rest of my afterlife?” Jongin whines.  
  
“Shut up grandpa, I’ll explain everything when we get there.” Taemin chuckles.  
  
“And when will that be?” Jongin asks impatiently.  
  
“Jees! You never shut up do you?” Taemin retorts from somewhere in the white abyss.  
  
The white slowly begins to clear though and Jongin can see Taemin’s face once again.  
“I still love you, now come on.” Taemin laughs as he kisses Jongin’s lips and pulls him towards an unfamiliar place.  
  
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-  
  
Dr Choi finally reaches the end of the book. She turns the last page gently and taped to the middle of the page, is a dried and pressed poppy. The writing in the bottom right corner reads:  
  
  


**_The last figure of you that I saw in this loneliness was way too beautiful. I hope we could be together until the end, until we run out of breath forever, until the sun rises._ **

  
**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

**Author's Note:**

> I rarely cry at my own fanfics but my goodness I was crying a Jongin-esque waterfall during parts of this. I don’t really know what else to say about this other than this song is absolutely amazing. The lyrics really struck a chord with me so I highly recommend reading the translations if you haven’t done so already.
> 
> This is dedicated to my lovely Adhi because I love her and I wrote this with her in mind since she was getting withdrawal symptoms from my lack of posts recently. Love you girl! 
> 
> That’s all folks. I would super appreciate any comments/feedback/upvotes/kudos if you enjoyed this in some way.
> 
> Xx L xX


End file.
